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by Team Fresku / Stories May 12, 2016

“Don’t tell my girlfriend”

Most of the time when I see a 10 guilder bill I think of him. My cousin and I used to name code him “dies florin”. He earned that name because I gave him 10 guilders once after sex. Hold on now… Before you judge, it was not because I was desperate. It was because he had asked for it and all this poor boy had was 10 guilders in his pocket.

Lets flashback to where it started…

We started talking when he was dating my stepsister. I never in a million years could have thought that he played both ways. Never did my “gaydar” fail me. But this time it had. I guess it was because he was strong, masculine, covered with tattoos, the dealer from the block and had tons of side bitches, including my stepsister, next to his girlfriend.

It was one night on my way back home with my aunt that I had seen him walking towards our neighborhood. He was shirtless. Damn it, that body was intriguing! When I got into my room I called him immediately and asked him what he was planning on doing for the rest of the night. “Bo ta lora?”. He said yes but only if I would let him in through our front door. He almost got caught coming through the window the last time he visited my stepsister. “I don’t care if your parents are at home, I will not climb through that bedroom window” he said. Fucking love it when a man commands. That shit is sexy!

via GIPHY

So I let him in and we were hanging in bed watching HBO like two guys who had been friends in forever. “Real sex” late night series was on TV and that automatically led the conversation to sex which led to him pulling his dick out. It was enormous. At that time I was about 19 and he was 16. Can you believe it?! I couldn’t resist it even though my parents were sleeping in the other room. I pushed the TV volume on high and closed the door. It was the best sex from a down-low brotha I have ever had. Hands down.

Our between four walls sessions repeated itself a few times after that until I had to put a stop to it. You see, downlow brothas would commonly use us homosexuals for gifts, money and abusive sexual activities. He would always ask for money or take things from me without asking. Some of my shoes were missing, belts, a shirt and some coins. He would wear them on a Friday night, walk pass by me hand in hand with his girlfriend and not even look my way. At one point I knew that I was not worth it.Few people know about this. I have always respected his privacy as much as I could. Someone who never got to know was his girlfriend. Now the mother of his children. I wonder what she would think if she would ever find out of this. I wonder how she would feel.

I know how I felt all of the times she would pull down her window and call me a faggot when driving by. Or simply make funny comments about me when with her girlfriends. I felt like crap and I was very hurt by those comments and words during that time.

Whenever he would see me now that years have passed he would still not even say hello. Ignorant. But I don’t need his hello and I surely never needed his goodbye. All this guy has made me realize is that even the most masculine and rough looking brothas out there can bare the deepest secrets you will never know about.

You will be surprised to know how many men are living a double life. Especially in our community. I was young and I was naïef. Where I am now in life and how I see things along with my principals and values, I do not encourage nor condone being in a situation with a brother on the downlow. Make a firm decision to not involve yourself with them. These types of relationship spark all kinds of negative comments and beliefs of us gay men in this society. Also, know that you will never enjoy a relationship with a man whom is ashamed of you. Love can never be real if it has to be a secret. A man who was never man enough to accept his own truth is not a man to see the truth in you. And a man who has never been honest to himself and to others will never be true and honest to you. You deserve more. And young man, you deserve better!

Oh damn it look at the time. Let me get ready to leave the house. To where I am going today I cannot be late. I will tell you more about where I am going right now the next time we meet. Will you be reading?

Love,

Anonymous

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